10.02.13

A hard post to write...

Posted by Christina // 51 Replies

I have debated for the last 20 days if I should share this journey with you.  It is very personal, and though I like to think I have thick skin….it’s the one thing that makes me cry at night.

In the end I obviously decided to share, for two reasons.  1) This blog has always been a way to document our lives and share memories and struggles and projects with our family and friends.  That is its whole purpose, so it’s not fair to leave you out of this.  2)  I need accountability.  Period.

I am changing my life.  It’s why I went missing a week ago.  It’s why I have been so busy.  It’s why sometimes I am cranky (I just want a cheeseburger).  I am done being fat.  I am done yo-yoing.  I refuse to be a mom that can’t play with her kiddos, and I really don’t want to be a porky bride.

Let me back up a bit.  I have always had self-image problems, even 90 lbs ago.  Yes, you read that right….there was a time NINETY pounds ago when I thought I was a whale.  Check it. yesteryear-when-i-thought-i-was-huge If you do in fact think I look chunky in those photos, please just keep that opinion to yourself.  Because now, ninety pounds later….I think I looked fantastic.  I know what your thinking though, if I thought I was chunky then…then how did I pack on ninety pounds.

That is a great question.  My only answer is I love food.  I love beer.  I got complacent a time or two in relationships (poor Tim).  When I run for more than three minutes I start thinking about what would happen if I just stop, and then I do.  Nothing happens.  It is all my fault.  For a long time I blamed everything but myself, but I did this to my body.  Duh.

Maybe one day when I am feeling more brave I will reveal the photo that broke me.  You know the one where you aren’t expecting your fiancé to snap a photo, sitting in your sweats and not sucking in.  It finally showed me what I have been avoiding, what Tim sees.  Wimper, sad face, tear.

I am done feeling bad….it’s time to do something about it.

It helps to have so many inspiring bloggers in my life.  Hi Sadie, Hi Mama Laughlin, Hi Clare, Hi Ashley, Hi Linz….need I go on.  I need them for motivation, but I need you to hold me accountable.  Earlier this year I lost 30 pounds, even bouncing back from our Vegas trip…till that fried Oreo did me in.  While I am busting my hump, I need a cheering section to keep me going when I want to give up.  Honestly, I would love to tell you I am strong enough to hold myself accountable….but I am not sure of that yet.  So stick with me.

I have been working out everyday since September 12th….and I am down 10 pounds so far.  Small victory.  I finally took my before photos, sort of disgusted with myself.  Once I start seeing a difference I promise to post them.  For now I will just be chugging along….every dang day.

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51 thoughts on “A hard post to write…

  1. Linz @ Itz Linz

    YOU GOT THIS!!! And he 10 pounds in a few weeks?! THAT’S GREAT!! I know you know but you know you don’t want to lose too much too soon because it probably won’t stick! So I’d say you’re off to a great start and you know we’re all here cheering you on!!!! xoxo

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Yea, I think a lot of that had to do with giving up soda and crap food. That is usually what happens though, I drop twenty FAST and then put on forty. But this time I can’t let that happen!!!

      Thanks so much 🙂 annnnnd I just realized I didn’t link ANYTHING in this post. World’s worst blogger right here 🙂

      Reply
  2. sarah

    I think you are beautiful the way you are but I know exactly how you feel. We packed on the pounds together. I can’t say we didn’t have fun doing it but there come a point in our lives where the weight will catch up on our bodies and I dont want to know what that feels like. I want to run with Rylan and I know you don’t want to have high blood pressure while being pregnant. I did and I don’t even have high blood pressure and it sucks. But I’m here cheering you on every step of the way. Now is the time do it …after kids it is hard to make time. And it feels like it is even harder to come off. I’m always here to meet to walk instead of our typical pasta house or margaritas 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      It was fun to put on….those pitchers made for some great photo shoots. In fact while I was digging up all these photos I went through all of our college photos and cried because I miss it so much.

      Good times…but now we have to make sure we live long enough to be old grannies line dancing!!!! Come to Fitness Fuzion with me 🙂

      Reply
  3. Ashley @ eatrunlivehappy

    Hi! Let me first say, you are amazing and you are beautiful! You were beautiful back then and you are definitely beautiful now. I’ve always thought that and when we go to meetings you are always the one I want to talk to because you just make everyone around you happy!
    It’s awesome you want to get healthy for the right reasons. I can relate to struggles as you know. I’ve been 190lbs-115lbs and even at 115lbs (I was sick) I thought I was fat. I’ve now learned the only way I’d every be happy and healthy was to focus on feeling good and loving myself!
    I know everyone’s food issues are different and I know mine were all about emotions with food. It’s such a personal thing and people are embarrassed to talk about it. Some people can relate other’s can’t at all. but if this is something you struggle with, know I’m always a blog away!

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      I read your blog all the time, and there are soooo many times I go, “wow she basically said everything I think”. Now if only I could get you to come cook some of those tasty meals and snacks you are always showing off!!!! Thanks Ashley….sorry I am a bozo and forgot to link!!!

      Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Awwwww much love! Thanks so much ladies, next year at Haven maybe I won’t be so sweaty ewwwwww (that was my turning point….packing for Haven)

      Reply
  4. Mandy

    I too remember when I thought I was fat a while back and would kill for that body now. You are being brave to put it all out there. I am sure it will help with accountability. Congrats on the 10lbs so far! You can do this! 😀

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Thank you Mandy!!! Isn’t crazy to look back now and see how silly you were. It makes me want to shake every high schooler and be like “you are so beautiful, never doubt that”

      Reply
  5. Serah

    I truly admire your decision to share this. I know it wasn’t easy for you. Weight is such an uncomfortable topic, no matter what the scale says. Good luck. You can do this.

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Thanks boo! It was sooooooo scary to put it out there. I know everyone can see I have gained weight, but I have been pretending it’s a secret for a long time…like I was really hiding anything 🙂

      Reply
  6. Dee

    I’m there with you, girl! You GOT this! I would love to encourage you in any way I can, as I am also about 90# overweight….I wish I would have the “aha” moment…God bless, and keep blogging!

    Reply
  7. Teresa @ Crafty Wife

    You go girl! Thanks for sharing your story and getting the word out there. I think you looked great back then, but I can totally relate to being unhappy with my body years ago (I have self-image issues) and looking back now and can’t even believe those thoughts were swirling around in my head! I’ll be cheering you on and sending lots of encouraging thoughts and prayers your way. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Thanks Teresa! Isn’t it crazy…there are SO SO many photos of me at my very teeniest where I am covering up my stomach because i was so ashamed of my “fat”. Where the heck did that idea come from? Is it media? Was it my mom constantly “dieting”? I have no clue, but I really hope that WHEN I get back to my goal weight I can appreciate what I look like instead of criticizing it all the time!

      Reply
  8. andrea @ my kinda perfect

    gurrrllll….you got this!
    you know you can do it. i know i can do it. i joined a gym a year ago and have NEVER looked back. my coaches at the gym? LOVE them. (seriously, my coach and owner of my gym will marry my fiance and i. we’re tight.) my new friends that support me and literally help me up off the gym floor when i fall? could not live without them.
    my confidence isn’t entirely back. i haven’t lost every pound i want to (not even close, actually). but you know what i have done? i’ve proven to myself that i can do it. i can have a plan and stick to it. do i have bad days? yup. there are days when i am GOING TO EAT PIZZA. NOW. but most of the time i remind myself that whatever i think i’m “going without” now, means i’ve earned something for the future. salads all week = wine on the weekends!!!
    if you wanna link up and do weekly check-ins or something…i’m TOTALLY on board. i’ve shared a lot of my fitness/weight loss journey on my blog and feel like that’s one of the biggest, best things that has helped me be accountable. but with my wedding coming up in june…i’m gettin’ on it. hard.
    keep up the hard work!
    p.s. i know the photo you mean…the one where the ‘real you’ (no sucking in, no flattering angle, no makeup, etc.) cannot be hidden. i’ve got one. it’s highly embarrassing, but serves as a constant reminder that i’m not that person anymore. i’m not lazy. (well, maybe i am, but i don’t allow it to take over.) i’m not fat and worthless. and i’m definitely worth more than a bag of chips or a plate of fried chicken. i’m worth feeding myself nutritious meals and moving around more. i’m worth gaining strength and losing bulk. and you’re worth it too christina!!! =)

    Reply
  9. ~abi~

    a few years ago, i lost quite a bit of weight. i got rid of a bunch of my clothes and was buying smaller sizes than i had in years. sometime over the past year, some of the weight crept back on, and this summer, a lot of my smaller sized pants didn’t fit. 🙁 i reached a level of frustration and decided to start doing something about it! then i pulled my calf muscle this past weekend. :-/ i’m discouraged, but determined. i will be cheering you on and reading for some motivation! 🙂 you’ve got this!

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Yayyyyy….at least you recognized it and are starting to do something. I always would let the weight creep back on and then get depressed and avoid the scale until NOTHING fit. Not this time 🙂 I am determined.

      Reply
  10. Becky

    You’re very brave for putting this out there. You can do this and you’ll be so happy and proud that you did. Good luck 🙂

    Reply
  11. Karen Goodman

    Good for you to making a decision to become what you want to become…not because the outside world has standards you aren’t living up to but because you aren’t happy with where you are yourself.

    I think the biggest hurdle is making a decision to make a change. Telling everyone will help too. Just know that it took time for those 90 lbs to go on, and they will take time to come off. In the meantime, don’t get discouraged. Know you are getting stronger every day. Know you are showing everyone that perseverance is more important than results. And the results will come!

    Looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Thanks Karen….that has been one of the most amazing things so far. Going from someone who struggled to get through 10 minutes on an elliptical, to someone who feels great after an hour. I love seeing myself get faster. I know I have a long way to go, but I am excited to get there!

      Reply
  12. Melissa

    Hey Christina, sending love and support to you! Know that you are perfect as you are right now; the health and fitness journey you’re on is because you’re perfect and deserve health and fitness in your life as well. Sometimes it helps to look at it another way! You go, girl! Melissa (Linda’s sis)

    Reply
  13. Janelle

    Christina! So many thoughts… 1) I am so freakin proud of you for putting this out there. 2) I never thought for one second that you were anything other than gorgeous. Well that’s a lie. I also think you’re brilliant, hilarious, FUN, beautiful, unique, cheerful, and a source of positive energy! 3) YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! You can do anything!

    I totally had the same thoughts as you. I was never too comfortable in my own skin back in high school and after that I just gained weight gradually. I don’t love how I look now but I do feel confident about me and who I am and what I can do. I hope that you feel the same (because you ARE so talented and loving and worthy of so many good things!) and that now you just want to align ALL of your beauty.

    Go get ’em, tiger! Meow! That’s the way uh huh uh huh I like it. Sex-ay laaaady!

    Reply
  14. Manda Wolf

    Good luck, you can do it. It is all about willpower. I started to gain weight, getting older was part of it, most of it was a new desk job that had me sitting for 10 hours a day instead of on my feet lifting 20-40lbs boxes for 8 and had be so mentally exhausted I didn’t want to work out. I made a change before I woke up one day and had a big problem on my hands. It may work for you or it may not but I just changed my eating habits and dropped 15 lbs in about 2 months. First thing I did was sign up for WebMD calorie tracker. Highly recommend this, I had no idea how many calories were in unassuming things. Then I changed supper. I had grown up thinking supper was meat, veggie, and a side of carbs – potatoes, white rice, mac and cheese. I got rid of the carbs, down sized the meat, and upped the veggies (either a larger portion or adding a second one). Lunch became 7-10 slices of pepperoni, baby carrots, broccoli, and pea pods (it helps I have always enjoyed veggies). Two low-ish calorie snacks a day and a breakfast of either fruit of nuts. On the weekend there isn’t a diet, I eat whatever I want, but Monday thru Friday I hold myself accountable. The WebMD thing is great because it lets you put in your weight currently, the weight you want to be, how many pounds you want to lose a week and then tells you how many calories you can eat a day and how many you need to burn thru exercise. I kept that up until I taught myself how to eat properly. Sorry for the long comment!

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Yea, starting to track calories has been HUGE! It makes me sick to think of what I USED to eat on a daily basis. I have been using the Lose It App and funny story….when I entered all the info (current weight, goal weight, and pounds to lose a week) it has me at my goal weight on October 3rd, 2014!!! One day before we say “I do”

      Now that is cutting it close!

      Reply
  15. Whitney

    Christina, very proud of you for sharing. I have always struggled with my weight, and in the last two years have put on about 40 pounds. I have stopped beating myself up because I have a lot going on in my life with menopause being my biggest issue. It’s here, won’t change, so I’ve decided to embrace myself and who I am.

    Reply
  16. Karen

    OMG, 10 pounds is amazing!! That means you’ve already put in a lot of hard work, so good for you! Also, I think you’ve always looked great on the blog, so don’t get yourself down. I know for me, the key to weight loss is changing my eating habits and that’s the hardest part. You can do this!!!

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      That is definitely the hardest part. Well, that and admitting that I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.

      I love food….worse is that I love junk food. So it has been hard 😉

      Reply
  17. Coco

    Girl… I HEAR ya. I had a baby earlier this year and I know I haven’t been eating right. But it hasn’t stopped me from complaining about not losing any weight. Well, clearly I wasn’t trying very hard! I would love to be a part of the accountability group. I just started Insanity (I’ve done P90x in the past and loved it) and I’ve severely cut the crap out of my diet. Only been doing it for a week but I’m starting to feel better. You are do it! We can do it!

    And you’re right. This isn’t for the outside world. It’s for US to feel like our best selves.

    Reply
  18. Melody

    WOW, I saw you at Haven and never once thought you were chubby. All I remember thinking is how beautiful you are! We all look at ourselves so completely different and for whatever reason are so hard on ourselves as women. WTG on the weight loss, but even more so WTG on the working out. Even if you don’t lose another pound you’re doing what’s great for your body, your heart and your mind. Keep up the hard work! No matter what you’re a beautiful woman with tons of talent!!! XOXOXO

    Reply
    1. Christina Post author

      Awwwww, that made me tear up! I was SOOOO self concious at Haven, that was really my breaking point. Thank you so much for your comment 🙂

      Reply
  19. Pingback: Tim's thoughts on my post yesterday and our fitness

  20. Julie

    Christina, so very proud of you for sharing. I agree this is a very hard subject to discuss. I want you to know I am with you 100%, I too am on this getting heatlhy journey. So please share your successes and your struggles because I need the motivation. I have been making changes for awhile but now its time to step it up and stop blaming other things. Congratulations on the 10 pounds that is amazing. Remember to celebrate even the smallest victories too. Love ya.

    Reply
  21. Janice

    Add me to the list of getting on there. I started a program two years ago and have lost 40 pounds. It was slow & steady loss for a long-time but I sort of stalled out. Have gotten back to working out more recently. And today brought a bunch of better snack options to the office (then there was a birthday celebration & I didn’t make good choices!) I don’t blog about it often but do blog about it honestly… a support network on things like this really is rockin!

    Reply
  22. Pingback: All the things making our new active life better...

  23. Michelle @ Hey Love Designs

    Ahhhhh I can totally relate with you! I never got to be *that* thin but I remember all the times in my slimmer days where I thought I was just SO FAT. Now I know the difference between actually overweight and just having a horrible, skewed image of myself. I’m in the same boat as you now. I can’t believe I let myself go and I’m working hard to get back on track. It’s so easy to slip back into old habits and fall HARD, but in the end we just have to pick ourselves back up and try, try again. best of luck to you!

    Reply

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