I have debated for the last 20 days if I should share this journey with you. It is very personal, and though I like to think I have thick skin….it’s the one thing that makes me cry at night.
In the end I obviously decided to share, for two reasons. 1) This blog has always been a way to document our lives and share memories and struggles and projects with our family and friends. That is its whole purpose, so it’s not fair to leave you out of this. 2) I need accountability. Period.
I am changing my life. It’s why I went missing a week ago. It’s why I have been so busy. It’s why sometimes I am cranky (I just want a cheeseburger). I am done being fat. I am done yo-yoing. I refuse to be a mom that can’t play with her kiddos, and I really don’t want to be a porky bride.
Let me back up a bit. I have always had self-image problems, even 90 lbs ago. Yes, you read that right….there was a time NINETY pounds ago when I thought I was a whale. Check it. If you do in fact think I look chunky in those photos, please just keep that opinion to yourself. Because now, ninety pounds later….I think I looked fantastic. I know what your thinking though, if I thought I was chunky then…then how did I pack on ninety pounds.
That is a great question. My only answer is I love food. I love beer. I got complacent a time or two in relationships (poor Tim). When I run for more than three minutes I start thinking about what would happen if I just stop, and then I do. Nothing happens. It is all my fault. For a long time I blamed everything but myself, but I did this to my body. Duh.
Maybe one day when I am feeling more brave I will reveal the photo that broke me. You know the one where you aren’t expecting your fiancé to snap a photo, sitting in your sweats and not sucking in. It finally showed me what I have been avoiding, what Tim sees. Wimper, sad face, tear.
I am done feeling bad….it’s time to do something about it.
It helps to have so many inspiring bloggers in my life. Hi Sadie, Hi Mama Laughlin, Hi Clare, Hi Ashley, Hi Linz….need I go on. I need them for motivation, but I need you to hold me accountable. Earlier this year I lost 30 pounds, even bouncing back from our Vegas trip…till that fried Oreo did me in. While I am busting my hump, I need a cheering section to keep me going when I want to give up. Honestly, I would love to tell you I am strong enough to hold myself accountable….but I am not sure of that yet. So stick with me.
I have been working out everyday since September 12th….and I am down 10 pounds so far. Small victory. I finally took my before photos, sort of disgusted with myself. Once I start seeing a difference I promise to post them. For now I will just be chugging along….every dang day.